Sick of being Sick

I am sick of being sick.  This entire summer we have had either one sickness or another floating around this house.  As for me, I am experiencing frequent tonsillitis and double ear infections.  I seem to be getting them every two months.  I had this at the beginning of June and now that it's almost August I guess it's time for another round.  I woke up this morning and sure enough, wham!  Aching throat and ears.  It is very frustrating to get sick over and over again.  Who wants to do cardio when their head is aching???  However, when school let out this was the case and it was just the tip of the iceberg for what was coming.  Over a period of six weeks beginning at the end of May through the first week of July all of my children had pink eye, we had a horrible stomach virus that made the rounds, my son broke his arm, my daughter had a mysterious eye infection, I experienced side effects from having my tubes tied, my mother was hospitalized, the baby had an adverse reaction to antibiotics given to him for a double ear infection, and my younger daughter also had a double ear infection.  As for my husband, he was lucky enough to be extremely busy at work and wasn't around us enough to get sick.  I however, felt like a single mom in an infirmary.  We weren't able to go to the gym and I got very behind on the goals I've set for myself.  So today as I'm here again with an aching throat and ears, I want to go to the gym so that I don't get behind or off track, yet I'm not sure how effective my workout will be if I feel like crap.  Oh well, such is life.  My doctor has referred me to an ENT and is pretty sure that I'll have to have my tonsils removed.  Funny thing is, I almost never had ear infections as a child.  I was a very healthy child who was rarely ill.  I feel like a three year old when I tell people I have an ear infection and tonsillitis.

***BTW it is extremely rare for my family to be this sick.  Although I've been experiencing these ear infections and tonsillitis frequently over the past 2 1/2 years, my children are rarely ill and my husband is incredibly resilient to any illness around him.  I guess we were due for a series like this.

Forgiveness

I started crying today while working out at the gym.  No, my strength training routine isn't that overwhelming.  It caught me off guard because over the past several years I've realized I cry a lot less easily than I used to.  Sure, I get emotional about things regarding my children, but as for crying, I've really buttoned that up when it comes to how I feel about myself.  (FYI: I pulled it together very quickly when I recognized what was going on, lest you think I was uncontrollably sobbing in the gym.)  I was just suddenly overcome with this desire for my body to forgive me for doing what I've done to it.  Sure I've never done drugs or drank alcohol or anything else elicit or otherwise, but what I have done to my body by allowing myself to become overweight is bad also.  It's definitely not treating my body like the temple it should be.  Honestly, it can be discouraging to think about.  Unfortunately the lack of forgiveness of one's self is EXACTLY what can hold someone back from whatever they are trying to accomplish.  I feel like when I go to the gym and work out or make good choices regarding what I put into my body, its evidence to myself that I can be forgiven and trusted to treat my body better.  So we'll see how that goes.  It's definitely something that will be a process.

Dark Knight Epiphany

I went to see this movie.  A little known fact about me is that I love all the superhero/Marvel movies.  Maybe  it comes from having all brothers.  So when the Dark Knight came out I was extremely excited to see it.  Lucky for me my husband was willing to watch the kids so that I could get away for some "me" time to go see it by myself one afternoon.  It was great!  I loved it.  For some strange reason a thought came to me while I was watching the show.  "You just have to decide if you want to be this person or that person."  Mostly this was in reference to weight loss for me.  It was also in reference to some of my more recent thoughts on motherhood but I'll discuss that at another time.  

When making changes it can be difficult to let go of the old. It becomes easy to self-sabotage because the new can be a little frightening.  I know what it's like to be fat.  I eat what I want, feel crappy about myself, pretend like it doesn't bother me, become apathetic and eat what I want some more and stay fat.  It's hard.  It's hard on me mentally, all that beating myself up and cutting myself off from people or things I really want to do is hard.  

I saw this recently and it really fit what I've been feeling.  Life is hard.  When it comes to my fitness and health I have to choose my hard.  Changing my hard means I have the lovely joy of experiencing all these different kinds of hard.  Guess what?  (This is the most important part to remember!)

I've done them before and I can do them again. Sure some were harder than others but that really doesn't matter.  I think what scares me and what I allow to hold me back is that I'm not familiar with that hard.  While I was at the gym the other day it occurred to me that I may always need to meet with a trainer once a week.  But that's part of me dealing with my hard and that's okay!  So what if this weight loss journey is hard! Like most things it will be over with before I know it and I'll be better off because of it.  Hope you're enjoying your journey, whether your in the hard stage or wherever else.